dirty bit!
by fire-of-fate
Summary: Mostly adult humor, but now I'm using this story as a catch all for halarious one shots. Its the life of Bulma Briefs, viewed sideways.  I've always seen the same world as every one else, I just look at it all from a differnt angle, sideways.
1. dirty shot

A/N – each of these one shots are completely unrelated to each other, they're just for kicks, hilarious scenarios for your enjoyment.

"Bulma, your friends are here!" Bunny called down the stairs through the lab door.

"Coming," She shouted back wiping the smudge of grease from her cheek as she emerged from under the ship.

"Hey guys!" She shouted cheerfully as she climbed the stairs.

"Hey, it's just me; the boys went out to get Vegeta." Chichi replied.

"Good I um, wanted to ask you some questions, girl talk you know?" She asked shyly.

"What's up?" Chichi asked quietly, they would have to make this quick the boys will be back soon.

Bulma lowered her voice leaning into her friend as she asked. "Umm, I was just wondering if it was a Sayain thing or something, but has umm swallowing ever made you nauseous?" It didn't do a whole lot of good, seeing as the guys could hear her from the hall.

Without regard to the previous conversation Vegeta grumpily announced "The weakling arrived" nodding to Yamcha as he went to the kitchen for a beer.

Goku plopped down on the couch next to his wife and cheerfully asked "What did you swallow?"

"Oh umm nothing" Bulma replied blushing.

"I can't believe you did that." Chichi muttered.

"Did what?" the other woman asked.

"Swallowed" she replied slyly, watching Yamcha flip through channels.

"What, you don't?" Bulma asked, shocked.

"What did you swallow?" Goku asked again, confused. Causing Bulma to wince as his volume.

"I just figured you did, I've never gotten nauseous before that's all, do you think it's normal? Could there be something in it?" Bulma muttered in her friend's ear.

Yamcha turned up the volume on the TV to tune out the conversation unsuccessfully as he thought _swallowing from me never made her nauseous. _

Vegeta strutted back into the living room, beers in hand and announced. "Of course your nauseous woman! That's the seed of the Sayian royal line in your stomach! It's trying to climb back out."


	2. caught in the act

A/N total 'sprite' in this one, lots of lemon lime goodness!

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><p>His muscles were tight, sweat still dripping, as he climbed up the stairs to his room. As soon as he reached the top of the stairs he smelled it, soap mixed with the warm musky scent of the female's lust. He held his breath, hoping to escape the smell, but it permeated the air clinging to the soft floral aroma of her soap. He growled his frustration, marching determinately as he passed her room. A soft moan reached his ears, 'Vegeta', she whispered.<p>

He stopped in front of her door, shocked; did she just call for him? Did he hear her right? Irritation growing, he turned and entered her door. The bathroom door was slightly ajar, he could hear sloshing from within. The scent of her warm lust urged him onward, _what the hell does she want now?_ He thought.

"What is it woman?" he asked as he barged into the bathroom.

He clasped his ears at her shrill cry.

"What the fuck! Get out!" Bulma screamed as she grabbed the towel to cover herself and thought _figures he'd have to interrupt the best part of my bubble bath. _

Quickly Vegeta side stepped to the other side of the door, resting his head against the wall as he panted the sight of her frozen in his mind. _Why the hell would she call for me when she is undressed!_ He thought, pinching his arm to will his arousal to decrease _damn woman!_

"What the fuck do you want now?" She shouted in frustration as she exited the bathroom, towel securely wrapped around her.

"What do I want? What do you want?" he shouted in return as he watched her yank clothes out of the drawers of her dresser. "You were the one who called me!"

"I did NOT! I was taking a bath." She replied indignantly.

"Then why did you say my name woman?" He asked.

A blush ran across her cheeks. "I didn't, you're hearing things."

"Sayians have excellent hearing, and I _know _I heard you call me. Why else would I go in there?" _the intoxicating scent_ he added in his head, chiding himself mentally for even considering it.

"You had no right to - -" she shouted, as she turned to yell at him her towel shifted, causing the toy to fall to the floor.

Blushing a deep red she scrambled to catch it, only to accidently loosen the hold on her towel instead. Instincts prevailed, and she saved the towel to wrap it around herself. Vegeta, being quicker, caught the toy instead.

"What is - -?" he asked as he looked it, only to scream in horror when he realized _it's a penis! _and dropped it back to the floor "UGH! Where the hell did you get that?" He asked in shock. Then taking in the enormous size of it he added, "And from whom? Please tell me their dead, whoever you removed that from is going to be pissed."

Bulma snatched her toy, which she had fondly named Johnny Depp, from the carpet. Her face was unable to become redder, and instead choose a strange purple color as she said. "It's not from a person eww. I bought it, its fake."

She turned to stash it in her drawer when he asked, "Who would want a fake penis?"

"Umm, a recently single girl who doesn't want to be involved with a man, but still uhh needs . . ." she trailed off as she leaned her head against the wall, unable to face him.

"So you use that like you would a man? Why not just hire someone if you don't want a true mate?" he asked, looking at the carpet instead of her. His eyes were nearly out of his head as it was, and the sight of her still wearing just the towel caused his erection to throb.

"Hire someone?" she turned, shock now replacing the embarrassment. "Eww, prostitution is illegal buddy. Not to mention gross."

"And fucking a piece of plastic isn't?" he asked, offended. He had often sought release through such means; it was a way of ensuring they would not expect more from you.

Bulma blushed violently as she said, "I don't need to hire someone else when I can just manage on my own. It's free, easy, and feels GREAT!" She shouted, determined to conquer the embarrassment.

Vegeta considered her statement for a second and then replied, "Is this only possible for women?"

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head at his question, "Um no of course not, they make toys for men too, or there's always you hand and a bottle of lotion." She nearly giggled as she spoke.

Vegeta looked at his palm, then to her, and then raised an eye brow as he asked "How?"

The blush that was fading returned as she stammered "You uh, you don't know how to um . . _masterbate?_" she whispered. _I thought all guys knew how to, I mean they all do right?_

"I don't know what the word means, but if there is no one to hire on this planet I will need to make arrangements eventually." He replied grudgingly, as a prince there was always a willing female to be had. But no one on this planet knew or accepted his title, _stupid earthlings._

"You just uhh, take your hand, and um rub it I guess." She said looking down to the 'it' in question bulging from the spandex, then she realized what she was doing and quickly looked away.

He could smell her lust, thick in the air. He knew where he could find a willing enough female after all. He took two strong steps forward, closing the gaps between them, and whispered in her ear. "Show me."

Bulmas breath caught, _did he just ask me to do it for him? _She paused a second, letting the shock fade. _Well I can't say I'm not curious, I was thinking about him in the tub after all. _After another deep breath, taking in the rich slightly metallic scent of his sweat she thought. _Why not. _

She locked eyes with him, lids lowered, bit her lower lip. And dropped the towel.

Shocked by the sudden predatory look in her eye, Vegeta allowed her to back him up and suddenly found himself falling back onto the bed. She urged him to scoot up on the bed, even as she grabbed the black spandex shorts and shimmied them from his hips. She found he was fully erect when the straining bulge was released, and flicked up to hit her in the face. She gazed at the offending part, and began to salivate at the thought of wrapping her lips around it. A lust driven haze filled her mind as her lips reached for it, and then she remembered, she was teaching him how to do this for himself. She smirked as she looked up at him, and licked her lips at the sight of aroused shock on his face. She scooted up the bed, allowing her nude body to rub against his as she did. _Might as well have a little fun with this, _she thought.

Curling her soft nude body against his side she rested her head on his chest and said. "You take your hand like this, and just rub." In a husky voice beside him

The feel of her soft hands gripping around him, pulling gently, caused his head to fall back slamming into the head board. He panted as he gazed at her nude body, feeling her massaging his throbbing manhood. His breath caught as he felt her dampness resting against his thigh. He shifted his arms, placing them behind his head. To her it looked like he was relaxing and enjoying himself, but he knew it was to keep from grabbing her and pulling her on top of him.

His breath quickened, eyelids fluttered as he panted at the sensation. And suddenly, it stopped. Slowly he opened his eyes to see her naked rounded ass bent over in front of the dresser drawers, pulling on underwear.

It wasn't until she was fully dressed that she said "Well now you get the concept, you can handle it on your own from here." And she sauntered from the room.


	3. coming clean

Backstory; Goku has just returned from the dead, Bulma volunteered to keep the kids so Chichi and Goku could have some 'alone time'. Vegeta's not pleased about this but who cares right? Trunks is around 7, goten 5 or 6 ish. Gohan is 15ish.

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><p>"Mom! Goten crushed my scouter!" Trunks shouted as he opened the bathroom door releasing the steam generated by the hot shower.<p>

"Handle it yourself! I'm in the shower." Bulma replied frustrated.

"But moooommmm!" Trunks wined.

"Get the fuck out boy." Vegeta growled from behind the curtain.

Trunks paled and slammed the bathroom door. Then turned to find Gohan coming down the hall with Vadel, on break from their studying.

"Why are my parents in the shower, at the same time?" he asked the older male.

"Umm, I-ummm they're in there? Together?" Gohan replied blushing.

"You'll have to ask them, later trunks." Vadel replied for him.

"Trunks, I'm sorry I didn't mean to break it." Goten cried as he hugged his friend from behind.

"Whatever." Trunks grunted shrugging his friend off gruffly.

Just then the giggling and sound of water stopped. Gohan grabbed the kids and ducked everyone behind the corner, knowing Vegeta would kill him if they saw anything. They all peaked around the corner to see Bulma pressed against the hallway wall, towel in place, with Vegetas lips attached to her. He growled as he lifted his mate wrapping her legs around his waist and carried them off to their room. His towel fell open revealing a well-toned buttocks.

Vadel stifled a giggle as Gohan blushed and glared at her, now that the coast was clear he turned to the children unable to explain what they had seen.

"Is he going to eat her?" Goten asked in shock.

"Only if she's lucky." Vadel replied slyly causing Gohan's blush to return.

"No dumbass." Trunks replied punching his friend in the arm. "They're going to have sex."

"What's sex?" Goten asked. Stairing at Gohan as he stammered.

"It's the training my dad does with my mom." Trunks replied calmly. "He's teaching her to wrestle, but he's too rough on her. She always ends up hurt and screams until he stops."

Vadel fell to the floor laughing, even as Gohan asked. "How do you know all this?"

"I installed cameras all over the house, for security." Trunks replied. "See" he said as he indicated to the TV, punching in the commands until the screen lit up. An image of Vegeta on top of Bulma came across the screen. Gohan blushingly looked away, and then contemplated the blackmail capacity of such a tape.

"Hmm, could you make a copy of this for me?" Gohan asked, as he thought _this will come in handy next time Vegeta pisses me off. _

Vegeta emerged from the room, headed for the kitchen. Gohan snuck into the room, past the naked sleeping form of Bulma, and destroyed the camera.


	4. pms blows

A/N – I know this one is also featured in my other story, but its halarious crude and id thought ud enjoy it so here u go

You're hot then you're cold

You're yes than you're no

You're in then you're out

You're up then you're down

Katy Perry – Hot n Cold (duh)

The X-rays came back clear, _3 days after the accident and it looks as though he was never injured, sometimes being Human just doesn't seem fair. _Bulma thought as she prepared the saw to remove the casts.

"Is the new GR finished?" Vegeta asked irritably.

_Great he's pissed again for some unknown reason; I swear it's not even worth the effort to try to predict his moods_. Bulma thought even as she replied "Yes, and I've got 4 bots done up as well, they should keep you occupied for a while, and give me time to get some real work done." She muttered, _I guess foul moods are contagious, oh well if he can be pissy so can I!_ She carefully sawed off the casts.

"As if any chunk of metal you toss together could be more than a foolish toy for me" Vegeta replied arrogantly. Attempting to hide his exhaustion, their conduct on the sofa led to yet another restless night. He thought some more reading would help him sleep, after 'accidently' grabbing another romance book, he discovered it only gave him more to think about. Those ridiculous books gave a very clear insight into a human woman's expectations when it came to a relationship with a male. And every one of those wretched books ended in the same thing, marriage. And becoming Mated to anyone was out of the question for him. _She deserves someone who can give her the life she wants, who will stick around. If I never intent to mate her then how am I any better than that dumbass she was with before?_ He thought recalling Yamcha's disrespect for the woman with rage. _It's all or nothing, and I can't do all, so I'll give her nothing! _He thought as he slammed the door to the lab behind him. _Time to demolish those bots!_

Bulma's new, darkened mood continued throughout the day, and into the afternoon, when she had arranged for the Son family to pick up their second set of armor.

"Hey B!" Goku shouted as their car landed softly in the grass. The large Sayain crawled out of the cramped vehicle, leaving Gohan and Chichi trailing slightly behind.

"Hey guys they're all finished" Bulma replied with mock cheer, hugging Chichi. "Are you all staying for dinner?" she asked.

Goku looked pleadingly at Chichi as she reassuringly said "why not, we need some girl time anyway, and the guys can have some time in the gym."

"Actually the new GR is all finished, it's big enough for them all." Bulma said proud to show off her work a little.

"Are you sure Vegeta will be ok with sharing?" Goku asked, hopeful.

"He better be, it's my machine! I built it, I own it, and I get to say who uses it. If he gives you any grief you send him to me." Bulma replied menacingly.

The two males took off at a run for the GR, eager to train, and avoid Bulma's foul mood.

"Hello P-M-S!" Chichi chimed after the boys had left.

Bulma did some quick calculations and groaned, Chichi was right, dambit. "Ugh, I guess it is getting out of hand but it's not all biology's fault. That asshole contributed quite a bit!" She replied with venom "I guess I should get some coffee to take the edge off though."

"Good idea" Chichi said calmingly as they made their way to the kitchen.

Bulma knew very well that caffeine was somehow a miracle cure for her PMS, it didn't fix it, but it often took the edge off enough to not go on a complete killing spree.

"This is the one time of the month where I'm more dangerous than Vegeta huh?" She said laughingly as she held the warm cup to her lips.

"Like that's possible woman." A gruff voice replied, as Vegeta rounded the corner. "What the hell are you doing sending those fools to MY GR!"

Chichi was about to start flinging a frying pan at the insult when she saw the smile on Bulma's face a smile which clearly said 'I'm going to make you suffer a long and painful death, and then bath in your blood'. Even Vegeta was taken back at the look of sheer pleasure and violence on the womans face. He nearly grew hard at the sight of it, _she looks like a Sayian ready for battle _he thought as he heard her draw in a deep breath.

Calmly placing the coffee cup down on the island she rounded the kitchen to stand before the prince.

"It is my GR" She whispered menacingly "In my home, on my land, AND I WILL ALOW IT TO BE USED BY WHOMEVER I PLEASE! You on the other hand, are an ungrateful, arrogant, PRICK, who gets his kicks by being a FUCKING TEASE. One day you treat me like GOLD like I MATTER, and then the next I'm your SLAVE well I am SICK OF IT!" She said as she walked him back shoving him against the wall. "I don't know WHAT THE HELL crawled up your ass today to make you act like this BUT IT STOPS NOW! Because I DO know what crawled up mine, and if you think an OOZARU is SCARY you have no IDEA what happens to a HUMAN WOMAN ONCE A MONTH!" she shouted in his face. "You ain't SEEN scary yet little prince." She whispered with seductive horror in his ear.

Vegeta wrapped what little composure he could around himself and fled the room. Emotions ran rampant through him as he walked down the hall, shock, confusion, fear, arousal, and oddly respect. She had made it clear she was Queen of this castle, and the prince inside of him responded to that. _She may be human, but she's a human worthy of the Crown of the Sayians, _the though ran through his mind before he could analysis what exactly led to it.

He opened the door to the GR, the sudden drop in gravity causing the other two sayains to turn and look at him. Shock and fear still clear on his face he asked "Kakkarrot, what happens to human women once a month? Bulma said it is more frightening than the Oozaru, and if that's what I was seeing, I think she may be right. Is she going to shape shift?" he asked, rambling slightly.

Goku grew pale as he said, "Oh shit not P-M-S!"

The three Sayians sat in a circle on the floor in the now powered down GR, while Goku explained what little he knew about the horror.

"All I know is it's this thing woman go through once a month, and it only ends when they start bleeding from their um, lady parts" Goku said blushingly. "And if their pregnant it lasts the _whole time._"

"What lady parts?" Gohan asked eyes wide in fear.

"They don't have boy bits Gohan, they have something different called lady parts" Goku answered, unable to generate a more appropriate response.

"And they bleed!" Gohan replied in shock.

"Don't be ridiculous boy, it's more important to ask do they shape shift? How powerful do they become? How do you defeat them in combat?" Vegeta asked. "If they're bleeding then there must be a wound we can exploit." he said planning a tactical approach.

(Keep in mind Vegeta's childhood, I'm taking into account that he wouldn't have received the 'full talk' on Freiza's ship, and instead would have just been told where to put it and how to avoid pregnancy)

"They don't change shape, but here's the scary part. . . there is no wound!" Goku said in horror. "I've never really figured it all out, and Chichi won't tell me anything. They do become more violent, but not to the point where we have to have combat. The best thing to do is just to avoid them. The problem is usually a lot less if they have had sex though. That's probably why Bulma's PMS is so bad right now."

"Whats sex?" Gohan asked.

"Shut up boy there's more important things to worry about. If she receives sex will she change back?" Vegeta asked mildly hopeful that he held a cure.

"No, by the time they turn, it's already too late." Goku replied. "The only person who could tell us all the answers is Chichi, maybe if you asked her?"

"Is there a chance it's contagious? I couldn't possibly face two of them." Vegeta replied.

"No not like that, but Bulma told me once, that If women live together, it will start happening at the same time for all of them, even if it didn't before." Goku said, fear clear in his voice.

"Oh shit, it's some kind of witchcraft were up against, isn't it?" Vegeta said eyes widening.

"I think so, but they never share their secrets." Goku whispered, as if the women could somehow hear them.

In the kitchen

"Wow, I knew you PMS'd bad but that was AWSOME!" Chichi cheered after Vegeta fled to the GR.

"That'll teach him to cross me when it's my time of the month, dinners almost ready." She said as she peered in the oven.

"I'll set the table." Chichi replied. Completely oblivious to the frightened males telling horror stories a couple buildings away.


	5. pizza

Sorry I know this is in no way a lemon or even related to adult material. It just struck me how frustrating daily life must be at Capsule Corp. even something as simple as ordering takeout.

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><p>"Woman where the hell is that food?" Vegeta shouted down the stairs to the lab.<p>

"Did you call Pizza Shack?" Bulma shouted back from her swivel chair perch.

"I called that blasted number and told them to send food, over an hour ago." He replied

"I'll give them a call and see how much longer they'll be." She said hitting the save button on the document she had been writing, yet another technology article.

"Pizza shack is this for delivery or take out?" The young voice over the phone sounded cheerfully.

"I'm calling in regards to an order placed about an hour ago, it has yet to be delivered." Bulma replied irritated.

"What is the name?" The young man asked.

"I believe it is under Vegeta." She stated.

"Hmm, I'm not showing anything. What is the last name?" he asked.

"Try Sayian, or Prince." She said.

"You mean the 20 large pizzas ordered by a 'prince of sayians?', listen kid haven't your parents told you prank calls are obnoxious." He responded vexed.

"I'm not some kid! And this isn't a prank call! I am Bulma Breifs!" She shouted over the phone.

"Yha sure, and I'm the Pope." He responded, hanging up the phone.

"GGGRRR, we are never ordering from there AGAIN!" she shouted into the buzzing receiver.


End file.
